February

I just spent a good time cleaning several pairs of shoes. This may not be more than a normal activity to anyone who cares about his or her shoes except that this time I was trying to take off the memory of a month where these shoes would be taking me step by step. Since the end of January until a few days ago my life completely changed and put me in a situation of great stress. My mother spent almost a month at the hospital and the stress generated by it all is a memory difficult to erase.

Within a month my attention drifted from the normal worries of any adult dealing with everyday life towards facing life and death issues on my own where just doing my best to keeping my mother alive and sane occupied my every thought.

Now after recognizing that such period at the hospital was over the day she was finally allowed to come back home, I am still bombarded by all that I saw, heard, smelled, tasted, etc. within a month that seemed like an entire year.

Never in my life I had seen so much pain, so much sorrow and so much loss. I met people of all walks of life but mostly those whose life has been less fortunate than mine. Anyway, in a hospital, none of that matters, everybody is at the same situation, in my case I was just another family member caring for her mother. The many demonstrations of kindness that I received from people who were just strangers, those who would offer me food, or some words of comfort.....the harsh truth and grave words that would come from doctors where decisions needed to be taken on my own......the many lonely moments I spent in silence with a head full of questions and anguish......coming back to a house full of memories and desperately seeking the company of my dogs.......

Yes, indeed my shoes needed a good cleaning of everything I stepped on with them.....every step I took to help my mom, every trip up and down the four floors at the hospital to reach her side by her bed.....the many times I would have to take a break because I would feel like fainting out of already being so very tired because I was also unable to sleep. My shoes are clean now, and my legs are less soared everyday, but I will always remember this past month. All of the many two sides of a same coin......life and death, loneliness and company, cold words and warm ones, silence and noisy halls, time stopping inside a hospital and life happening out of it....the faces of the people I met at the hospital, particularly one of a new friend I made whose dear mother did not make it. I will remember the words of all those who would keep in touch with me through text messages and emails; the voice of those who even called from far away to hear me out and give me comfort. God Bless you all for that!

Now my walk is slightly different. My shoes maybe clean now but my step has remembered again how fraile life can be, and this, far from being sad is a life lesson. Time is precious, seize the day!